Sunday, April 15, 2012

If You Leave a Dog Alone...

If you leave a dog alone...

He's going to think you're not coming back.

If he thinks you're not coming back,

He's going to panic.

If he panics,

He will dig in the trash.

If he digs in the trash,

he will find the only poopy diaper that's been in there in over a month.

If he finds the one poopy diaper that's in there,

He's going to want to pull it out.

If he pulls it out,

he will want to drag it across the house.

If he drags it across the house,

he will want to shred it.

If he shreds it,

he will want to roll in it. On the carpet.

If he rolls in it (on the carpet),

it will get in his fur.

If it gets in his fur,

it will get in his collar.

If Dad comes home to find this mess,

The dog will be sent outside.

If Dad tries to clean it up,

he will use a vacuum.

If Dad uses a vacuum,

it will clog.

If the vacuum clogs,

Mama will have to clean it out.

And vacuum.

And go to the store for carpet cleaner.

And mop.

And insist on giving the poop-crusted dog a bath.

If Dad gives the poop-crusted dog a bath,

Mama will want to cut his nails since its been way too long and the water will make them soft.

If Mama tries to cut his nails,

the dog will wrench his paw away and Mama will cut wrong and the dog will bleed.

If the dog bleeds,

he will track blood all over the freshly mopped house.

If he tracks blood all over the freshly mopped house,

Mama gets to mop again.

If Mama gets to mop again she will decide to drag a comb through the dog's hair to check...

and she will find more poop on the dog.

If she finds more poop on the dog,

Dad gets to give the dog another bath.

If Dad gets to give the dog another bath,

Mama gets to clean the shower.

If Mama gets to clean the shower,

at the end of a weekend of severe weather,

long nights with several heart-pounding wake-ups,

a teething baby,

and after a day of a day of cleaning,

and painting,

and vacuuming,

and mopping...

at 1:15 in the morning...

she will want to pull her hair out and scream.

But she won't.

Since that would wake the baby.

So, moral of the story?

Don't leave the dog alone.

Either that or sedate him.


  1. LOVE your version of "If you give a mouse a cookie" even if it could not have been fun for you.

  2. One more reason why we don't have a dog. Sorry for the chaos. Loved the story though. ;-)

  3. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Yes, I'm laughing at your peril. Love that Roy Boy! Give him a butt scratch for me :)

  4. Oh my gosh Kaitlynn! I was feeling slightly sorry for myself as lately we moved as well due to our fire. I have spent a lot of time washing out the smell of ash from anything I've tried to salvage - not fun. Anyway, this made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but grateful for your humor - congrats on your new home! xx oo Love, Aunt Sue

  5. eventhough I know how terrible and frustrating feeling it was, I was laughing :-))))) it reminds me Cora´s advantages - when I thought I was able to kill her immediately and I couldn´t stop laughing through crying and in the same time... Love her - as you love Roy :-) and, believe me, he will time-to-time do something similar but you will love him more and more :-)))